


you should think about the consequence (of touching my hand in a darkened room)

by fivesecrets



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-02-27 09:50:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18736627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fivesecrets/pseuds/fivesecrets
Summary: He’s half-dressed when Kai comes back into the bedroom, looking a lot calmer (and wearing a shirt), but there’s still something accusatory behind his eyes that causes Julian to want the ground to open up and swallow him.  Jannis always used to tease him about the fact he’d talk in his sleep, but Kai had never mentioned anything, so he thought he’d been okay.  But judging by the look on Kai’s face, his best friend has definitely heard something Julian didn’t want him to.Or, in which there are so many words to describe Julian and Kai (university students, roommates, teammates, best friends) except from the one Julian really wants: lovers.





	you should think about the consequence (of touching my hand in a darkened room)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Salat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salat/gifts).



> • Title from _Gorgeous_ by Taylor Swift.  
> • For the lovely salat-enot on tumblr who requested this!  
> • This is incredibly badly paced, I'm so sorry.  
> • Also I have no original ideas so prepare to read the exact same fic from me for the 2395475th time!  
> • If you remember, for maximum cheese + feelings, start listening to _For The Last Time_ at the line _"The conversation is over, the only noise in the room the sound of Julian’s fingers tapping on the keyboard."_

Julian doesn’t realise he’s crying until a tear splashes onto the laptop keyboard.   He swears, chucks another glance at the small clock in the bottom corner of the screen, _six fifty-two in the morning_ , before squeezing his eyes tightly shut because he hasn’t got the time to have a breakdown now, not with a paper due at in three hours time that he’s still two thousand words under the required word count for.

He wipes his eyes and shoves all thoughts that don’t concern the mechanical lever system in the body out of his mind, turning up the volume of his music up to probably dangerous levels, one of those indie songs he loves that he just knows Kai would hate.

He slams his head against his desk like he’s trying to physically knock his best friend’s name out of his mind.  Because, really, that is what he’s trying to do, he can’t think of Kai when he’s got this essay to write while the sun is starting to leak through the blinds.  He can’t think of Kai, who never came back to their room, just sent him a text telling him he’s got with the Sophia girl he’s been talking about for months and seemingly stayed the night.  He can’t think of Kai, not when Julian had him between his legs thirty-six hours ago, when they were both drunk and he thinks Kai was high as well, not when Julian had never felt so turned on in his life.

The music switches to a rap song about drugs and girls and Julian crosses his legs, willing his dick that is starting to get hard at the memory of Kai to soften so he can focus on this fucking assignment that has spiralled off into probable unintelligibility.  He steels himself and skips a song that reminds him of his best friend, taking another two hours before he’s able to just about manage to piece something with enough words together thirty minutes before the paper needs to be submitted.

Kai bundles through the door just as Julian sends off his completed work.  His eyes are shining and he’s grinning far too widely, and Julian’s heart would do that little flippy-thing if it wasn’t for the fact that he knows exactly what his best friend is about to say.

“Hey Jule!” Kai says, sounding far too awake for a university student at eight in the morning.  “Did you finish that paper?”

“I did,” Julian takes another sip of the stone-cold coffee and wrinkles his nose, looking at anything but the post-coital glow on Kai’s face that’s too beautiful and too painful because it wasn’t caused by him.  “Schweinsteiger’s gonna kill me though.”

“He could never.  I’ve met him like twice and he seems like the nicest man, so long as Podolski likes you.  What was the paper about, anyway?”

“Mechanical levers.”

“Cool,” Kai sits on the end of Julian’s bed and it’s obvious what’s coming next, “can I tell you about what happened last night?”

 _‘I’d prefer it if you’d talk about what happened between us two nights ago,’_ Julian thinks as Kai launches off into a spiel about studying with Sophia in the library and then going off to get drinks together, before she took him back to her room and they had sex four times over the past six hours.  Kai looks so dreamy he looks dopey when he tells Julian about the way he made out with her up against the door of her room Julian has to kick his own shin to stop himself from blurting out something stupid about Kai doing that to him the night before.

“I got her number,” Kai ends with, “hopefully she’ll text me soon.  Yo, Jule, at what point do you think I should text first?”

“Two in the afternoon,” Julian says, trying not to make the hostility obvious in his voice as he collects his folder and notepad and shoves them carelessly into his backpack, turning away from Kai and the way he’s now sprawled out over Julian’s bed because he can’t look at him without feeling a sense of sickening jealousy.

“Okay,” Kai says, rubbing at the dark circles under his eyes.  “Where are you going?”

“I have class.”

“It’s eight-fifteen.  Your class doesn’t start until nine and you haven’t been this early for a class since the first week!”

“Yeah, well, maybe today’s different.” Julian says, “see you later.  Get some sleep, you look like shit.”

“Charming.” Kai flips him off as he snuggles under the covers of Julian’s bed (meaning Julian definitely won’t sleep tonight either, not with Kai refreshing his scent over Julian’s sheets).  Julian lets the door fall shut behind him without another word.

He stops to get a coffee on the way to class, not caring about the harmful caffeine levels in his blood from his all-nighter consumption, but even so he arrives at class so early even the professor isn’t there.   He takes his usual seat two thirds of the hall back from the screen and slumps a hand on the table, trying not to think of Kai and thinking of nothing else.

He’s not sure if it’s worse in his reality where Kai apparently doesn’t even remember having sex with him given Julian had woken up first and Kai never said anything when he woke an hour later, or the other possibility where Kai had remembered and then hated him forever.  Julian refuses to think about the other possibility of Kai remembering and liking it and wanting it again.  It’s the hope that kills and he doesn’t think he could put himself through that, not when Kai’s arriving back at their room at eight in the morning and divulging all the details of his sex life with his crush while Julian’s heart tears itself into bits with jealousy.

The hall is starting to fill up beneath him when he’s disrupted from his self-pity by Leon collapsing into the chair next to him.  Leon’s his best friend in first-year sports science, bonded over mutual crushes on their football teammates (no matter what Leon says, Max is definitely in love with him too) and spend far too many evenings frantically texting each other answers to assignments due at ridiculous times the next morning.  He offers Leon a sip of his coffee, because the other man has eyebags that almost rival Julian’s.  He takes the cup gratefully.

“I really need to stop procrastinating,” Leon says when he passes Julian his coffee back.

“I wouldn’t say it’s procrastination when Reus makes us do a double session on a fucking Sunday.  I swear to god; my thighs were killing me after that and the game against Cologne university.”

Leon laughs, “still, I had to pull an all-nighter to get this assignment done.  Max stayed with me, though.”

“Bro, he’s as whipped on you as you are on him.”

“Shut up,” Leon blushes, “and don’t go spouting any of that ‘have you seen the way he looks at you?’ bullshit because if you do, I’m going to chuck that coffee all over you and I’m sure you’d rather die than face Kai’s wrath if you got his hoodie stained.”

Julian looks down and _fuck,_ he’s wearing the hoodie he stole from Kai after training last week.  Kai had chased him down the street, but then it started chucking it down with rain and his best friend was more concerned with keeping his hair from getting too messed up (Julian had sworn internally at how gorgeous Kai looked with wet strands slicking to his forehead) and then dismissed Julian when he tried to give it back.

Schweinsteiger comes in then and immediately opens his presentation and begins his lecture by thanking all the students that turned in their papers on time, before turning to his screen and beginning to talk about the subject matter.  Julian at least manages to look like he’s paying attention as he makes notes about the important points (Schweinsteiger might be the best lecturer he’s ever had because he highlights the parts with the most relevance which is a godsend when Julian’s in a zombified state like he is today), and he thinks Leon might’ve fallen asleep completely, but when he pays proper attention, he can see Leon sending rapid-fire texts to Max.

“We have training at four,” Leon announces.  Julian opens his phone and there’s a text from Kai with the same message, so Julian sends a sad emoji and turns his attention back to the lecture.

There’s about ten minutes left when Leon turns to him again.

“What happened between you and Kai anyway?  You were all over each other on Saturday night.”

“Leon,” Julian says weakly, “I can’t talk about this now.”

“Shit Jule, you’ve gone white as a sheet.  Do you want to talk about this later?”

Julian nods, because he knows he can trust Leon, and he also knows that if he doesn’t let his feelings out, he might do something stupid like discuss the whole thing with Kai.  Kai, who doesn’t remember it happening, and would probably hate him if he found out.   Part of him wishes he’d been able to stay asleep for just sixty more minutes so that Kai would’ve woken up beside him and maybe things would be different.

* * *

They’re two of the first people out of the lecture theatre when Schweinsteiger dismisses them.  Julian sends a quick text telling Kai he’s stopping to grab a coffee with Leon, the two of them choosing the furthest coffee shop from Kai and Julian’s room just in case the youngest one decides to come and join them, but he receives a photo of one of Kai’s books for literature with the caption, ‘i’m studying :(.’

Leon gets their drinks while Julian finds a deserted corner of the coffee shop, looking over the room at the crowd of university students, sympathising silently with the guy in the corner who’s slamming his head onto a pile of papers almost theatrically and laughing to himself at the antics of a gaggle of girls a couple of tables over, before Leon sits in the seat opposite him, hands him a drink (with no caffeine in, thank god, Julian thinks he might die if he has any more for the next three days) and looking at him with a pained expression.

“What happened, Jule?”

“He was flirting with me all through the after-party,” Leon doesn’t make a joke about Kai and Julian _always_ flirting and that’s how Julian knows just how concerned the older one is, “but then once we got back to our room, he pushed me against the wall and started kissing me and then he got between my legs and I fucked him but then he’s acting like he doesn’t remember a thing.”

“Jule…”

“It gets worse.  He then texted me late last night that he’d managed to pull that Sophia girl he always goes on about and then he arrived back this morning and proceeded to tell me every detail of the sex they had.”

“Shit.” Leon says.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how I’m feeling.” Julian tries to joke, but his throat is catching like it does when he’s genuinely upset and it comes out all wrong, “I was trying to get over him and now I’ve just made it one million times worse by having sex with him.”

“I get why though, he was all over you the entire night.  Max and I were debating whether or not to pull him off you,” Leon’s breaks their gaze and starts waving wildly, “wait, let me get Max over.”

Max arrives and chucks his books unceremoniously on the table, going through his entire elaborate handshake with Leon before even turning to acknowledge Julian.  Leon must tell him something though, or he must see the hurt in Julian’s eyes, because Max’s face softens when he looks at him.

“What’s happened?” He asks, and Julian signals for Leon to fill him in while he stares at the gradually fading wisps of steam coming from the hot chocolate in his mug.  Max throws an arm over his shoulder when Leon’s finished talking him through Julian’s predicament.

“That’s shit, bro.  Especially since he’s gone and had sex with the girl he hasn’t shut up about in so long.  What are you going to do about it?”

“Act happy for him.”

“If it gets too much, come to our room.  I’m sure Leon won’t mind sleeping on the floor.”

“Speak for yourself,” Leon punches Max’s shoulder and if it wasn’t for Julian’s foul mood, he’d be tempted to make a joke about the two of them sharing a bed, “but he’s right.  Kai won’t suspect anything if you tell him you’re just going to study with me.”

“Thanks,” Julian says.  “I really need to get over him.”

“I’ll be honest, I thought he was using Sophia to hide his feelings for you.  I wasn’t expecting him to actually fuck her.” Max says, Leon nodding agreement, and it pains Julian to think that he knows the two of them would never fuck around with his feelings like this, that they genuinely must have thought there was something between him and Kai even when Julian continuously wrote off the chance.

“Well he did,” Julian sighs, “and he’s already asked me on when’s a suitable time to text her.”

“What did you tell him?”

“Two.”

The conversation peters out then, Max and Leon falling into one of their quiet chatters Julian can never quite follow, so he zones out until the vibration of his phone in his back pocket disturbs him.

 **Kai:** omf jule

 **Kai:** come back asap i have big news

 **Kai:** bring leon and max with you too

“Who’s that?” Leon says.

“Kai.  He wants us to go back to our room for some reason.”

“What does he want?” Max says, grabbing both his and Leon’s folders (if they don’t get their shit together soon, Julian’s pretty sure he’s going to end up locking them in a room until they confess).

“He says he has ‘big news.’  It’s probably going to be about Sophia texting him back or something.”

The walk back across campus is almost silent, save for Leon and Julian erupting in laughter when Max drops one of his folders and all his papers splay out over the pathway.  It ends in an awkward, crouched chase, trying to prevent the ducks from eating all the paper with Max’s designs from graphics class on them, and Kai waiting impatiently by the door when the three of them finally clatter down the corridor towards his and Julian’s room.

“What the fuck were you doing?”

“Max dropped his folder and we had to chase some ducks for his work,” Leon laughs, and Julian _definitely ignores_ the cute giggle Kai lets out. “Plus, Jule would be beaten by a man with a walking stick.”

“Tell me about it.  I’m always waiting for him whenever we go anywhere.” Kai smirks at him, shifting away from the attempt Julian makes to hit him with his folder.

“Anyway, Havertz,” Max says gruffly, “what’s the big news?”

“I saw Reus kissing Götze earlier.”

“Excuse me?” Leon says, “pictures or it didn’t happen.”

“Even better,” Kai winks, brandishing his phone, “I have a video.”

Leon squeals (Julian definitely sees Max melt slightly) and yeah, he’s interested in seeing the evidence of their football coach being with Kai’s literature professor that the four of them have been convinced about since they became friends six months ago.  Kai plays the video three times before Leon is even sane enough to take it in.

“We need to make as many awkward jokes as possible at training.” Julian says, trying not to grin like an idiot when Kai smiles up at him, eyes bright.

“Do you have a death wish, bro?  Reus would kill us, and Götze would probably assign Kai extra homework after every lecture for the rest of his life.”

“Worth it, though.  Reus is definitely a softie when it comes to Götze anyway.  We been knew,” Kai says, standing up and promptly sending all of Max and Leon’s folders all over the floor.  “Shit.”

“You’re such a prick,” Max growls, scrabbling at the floor for the lost papers.  “What were you doing while we were gone?”

“Studying.” Kai points to his desk, paper sprawled out all over with the copy of the book Kai’s currently studying placed on top of the calamity.  His piano is stowed away down the side, but somehow Kai’s even managed to splay his work out onto that.  Julian’s tidy impulses twitch unbearably.  “Actually, I think I take back what I said about it being worth being assigned extra homework just to tease Götze.”

“Your fault for double-majoring.” Max smirks.  “You got more to do?”

“Yeah, I need to at least finish this paragraph before training or I’ll have to sacrifice my sleep for the second night in a row,” Kai’s face brightens despite himself and Julian knows exactly what’s coming.  From the quick glance he manages to sneak at Leon, he’s pretty sure his friend has guessed too.  “I got with Sophia last night.”

“Nice one, bro,” Leon says while Max fist-bumps him, and it’s not the first time Julian has been taken aback by Leon’s acting skills.  “What happened?”

“I was alone at this party because Jule was here studying, and I saw her a couple of tables over.  I wasn’t staring, before you give me that look, but we made eye contact several times and before I could do anything, she got up and came over to me.  I bought her a drink and we were talking about Lit class and Götze, then we started dancing together.  She took me back to hers and yeah, it just sort of happened.  She was so good with her mouth, I think I moaned loud enough for the other guys on her floor to hear,” Kai jokes and Julian can’t even bring himself to laugh, because he _knows_ Kai is fucking loud when getting off, especially when getting a blowjob, because the night before Julian had given him one before they fucked.  He watches Kai talk avidly about what happened the night before to Leon and Max, not even sparing Julian a second glance, and part of him is relieved.

“Have you messaged her?” Max asks when Kai finally shuts up.

“No.  I was about to when I saw Reus and Götze and I thought I should tell you first.  Which, by the way, means you two owe Jule and me twenty Euros each.”

“Fuck you,” Leon says as he hands over the money to a cackling Kai.  “We better go and get our shit together before training.  Jule, are you coming?”

Julian deliberates, about to get up and leave with them, but Kai catches his hand as he stands, asking him to stay and Julian’s so fucking weak because he sits straight back down, ignoring the pointed eyebrow raise Max sends in his direction.

He throws the bedcovers over his head when he hears the door fall closed behind his teammates, eyes closing of their own accord when his head hits the pillow.  He’s so exhausted he almost falls straight asleep, telling himself his sleep schedule fucked enough as it is and going to bed at one in the afternoon can’t really make it much worse, but then he feels his mattress sink down next to him and a soft hand in his hair.

“Jule?” Kai says softly.

Julian could fake sleep and he knows Kai would give up and leave him eventually.  But his best friend is stroking his hair gently and fuck, he’s lying down next to him and placing an arm over Julian’s waist and Julian would be shocked if Kai couldn’t hear how loud his heart is racing.

“Jule?” Kai says again, voice painfully gentle and _shit,_ he’s always been able to read the minutiae in Julian’s body language and he must know something’s bothering him.  He squeezes his eyes shut.  “I know you’re awake, you can’t hide from me.”

Heaving a sigh that says he’s about three million times more annoyed than he is in actuality, Julian rolls over and faces Kai, who’s looking at him through his eyelashes the same way he did two nights ago, which causes disorientation to sweep over Julian because this time, they’re both stone cold sober.  Kai’s hand’s still on his hip, fingers splayed out over his skin where his t-shirt has rolled up slightly, Julian trying not to shiver as the spot burns with the contact.

“What’s up?” Julian says, trying to keep his voice level and barely managing.  It doesn’t help that Kai is still fucking looking at him like _that._

“I could ask you the same question.  You’ve been weirdly quiet all day.”

“I’m just tired.  All the all-nighters recently…” Julian trails off.  He’s lying and they both know it.  Kai’s silent, teeth running absent-mindedly over his bottom lip and if Julian was a braver man, he’d bring Kai’s face up to his and kiss him when they’re sober like he’s wanted to since Kai clattered into their room on the first day at uni, but he’s not.  He’s a fucking pussy and it kills him inside.

“Have I done something?” Kai asks, so quietly Julian isn’t sure if he actually said anything at all. 

“No, never, Kai,” Julian lies, because Kai’s face is crumpling dangerously and Julian knows he’s just tired, Kai’s emotional because he’s had about two hours more sleep in the past thirty-six hours than Julian has, but he still feels the guttural feeling of rising panic that Kai might start crying.  “I’m just getting stressed about nothing, you know what I’m like.

“Are you sure?” Kai says plaintively.

“Positive, bro.  I just wanted to have a nap before training.”

“Same, but I need to do that Lit assignment.  Just before you sleep, though, can you help me write a text to Sophia?”

“Sure.” It hurts his heart, but Kai looks so fucking earnest and he would be the worst best friend if he declined the ask for help.  “Just be straight up.  Tell her you enjoyed it, and you’d like to do it again if she’s down.”

Kai types something quickly, then holds up his phone screen, showing Julian a message practically identical to what Julian has just said.  Julian presses the send button before Kai can have second thoughts.

“Sleep well, Jule.  I’ll wake you up at three.”

“Thanks,” Julian smiles, already burrowing further under the covers.  Kai gets out of the bed and heads over to the desk.  Julian tries not to miss his warmth as he falls asleep to the sound of Kai’s pen scrabbling against the paper.

* * *

He’s woken by Max and Leon barrelling noisily into the room asking for him, someone Julian would bet his house on being Max jumping on him and forcing him to sit upwards as he blinks in protest against the sudden light.

“What the fuck?”

“It’s quarter to four!  Training starts in fifteen minutes and you aren’t even dressed?” Leon says as Julian flips the bird at Max as the oldest climbs off his bed. 

“I was asleep,” Julian says lamely, glancing at Kai who’s turned a strange shade of pink.  “Kai was supposed to wake me up.”

“I-I lost track of time,” Kai stammers.

“Definitely, when you’re standing there in full training kit with your desk completely tidy.  Anyway Brandt, get your lazy ass out of bed because I’m not doing extra laps for being late.” Max grumbles.  Julian obliges and hurries into the bathroom to get changed, deciding to ignore the whispered comment that sounds something worryingly like, “he was probably too busy staring at you,” Max says as he bundles past.

Their teammates are lining up for the warmup run when the four of them sprint across the training fields at two minutes past four, dodging the unimpressed look Reus directs at them as they join the back of the group.  There’s a steadily-increasing drizzle as they begin to make their way around the field and really, it’s hell, because by the time they’re halfway round, splatters of mud coating their legs, the water is messing up Kai’s hair and _fuck_ , he’s so beautiful.

Kai doesn’t like talking during the run, so they’re silent as the sound of the water and their footsteps echo across the field.  The clouds hang low in the sky and Julian can barely see Reus, only hear his whistles as they turn the corner back towards their coach.  Ahead of them, Leon slips on a particularly muddy patch, causing the entire team to burst into laughter and Reus to greet them with a fond shake of his head.

“He’s being weird today,” Kai says quietly from behind Julian, “he seems in a really good mood.  He didn’t even yell at us when we arrived late.”

“Probably spent the afternoon at Götze’s,” Julian remarks drily, eliciting an audible snigger from Kai that leads Reus to aim several pointed comments in the younger’s direction, and for the younger to aim several pointed glances in Julian’s.

Reus explains what they’ll be doing during the training session, emphasising the importance of their next game against the current league leaders, Munich University.  He sends them off to do some training in groups of four, so Julian and Kai naturally gravitate towards Max and Leon, heading towards a foggier area of the field where they can observe Reus quietly.

Their coach pulls his phone out when he thinks no one’s looking, smiling as he texts someone back.

“Holy shit,” Max says, “look at his face.”

“Absolutely whipped,” Kai jokes back.

“Speaking of whipped, did Sophia text you back?”

Julian’s blood runs cold when he sees Kai’s face darken slightly,

“Not yet.  She hasn’t seen the text though, so it’s okay.”

Leon nods, and the four of them fall into silence, throwing the odd suspicious look at Reus while they kick the ball between themselves.  There’s a harsh wind blowing about and Julian shivers, realising belatedly he’s only wearing a thin shirt and nothing else.

He tries to put it off, but the cold gets under his skin when they’re lining up to practice penalties.  Their second goalkeeper is injured, so they have to wait for the whole team to take a penalty before they can take another shot, so there’s a lot of waiting around.  He’s trying not to shiver when someone comes up and wraps their arms around his middle, and his stomach does a fucking somersault when Kai rests his chin on his shoulder.  He’s so warm and suddenly Julian doesn’t think the goose bumps rippling over his skin are due to the cold anymore.

“Cold?” Kai says, voice hot against Julian’s neck.

“It’s your fault.  You didn’t give me enough time to let me get dressed properly, you prick.” Julian shoots back, but then Kai tries to unwrap his arms from his waist and _fuck_ if he dares.

“You were tired.  I tried to wake you up but you---,” Kai trails off, unwrapping his arms from Julian and before the older one can say anything, Kai’s striding towards the penalty spot, “watch this!”

He slots the ball past their keeper with such an unbothered ease, smirking when he makes eye contact with Julian and exaggerating his gesticulations at the penalty spot.  Julian catches the ball and places it down, going for a spectacular shot that for a moment, he thinks will fly way over the crossbar, but it settles itself in the top corner as his teammates whistle approval from behind him.

“Better than that pen against Dortmund!” Max yells, immediately moving behind Leon to hide from Julian’s charging attack.  Kai laughs at him, but he slings an arm over Julian’s shoulder at the same time, and there’s that fucking warm feeling in his veins again.  Reus is shouting praise and analysing what made Julian’s shot so good, as Julian tries to hide his blush and avoid people looking at him for too long when Kai’s still touching him.

Sometimes he thinks he’s got his crush written all over his face, and sometimes, he knows it’s just written all over his actions, because when Kai gets taken out and isn’t getting up during the training match, Julian sprints straight over and collapses into the mud by his side.

Kai’s eyes are clenched shut and he’s taking short, sharp breaths, the material on his calf torn to shreds and even from where he is, Julian can see a dark red gash.  Reus is yelling something to the captain, and the player who attempted the tackle is apologising repeatedly, but it’s background noise to Julian as he stares, panicked, at Kai’s scrunched face.

“Kai?” He says, unable to bring himself to care at the desperation in his voice.  “Can you look at me?”

Kai doesn’t respond, doesn’t even open his eyes, but Julian sees Kai slightly extend his hand and grabs onto it like a lifeline.  He laces his fingers with his best friend’s, knowing that their teammates will just think this is nothing out of the ordinary for them, stroking the back of Kai’s hand with a featherlight touch just to remind him he’s there.

Footsteps thud across the wet ground and the shouting is louder now and someone’s taking Kai and lifting him onto a stretcher, talking over Julian when he starts to speak frantically about Kai’s condition and Max and Leon have to hold him back to keep him from following Kai and the doctors across the field, back towards the faint lights of the campus.

“Brandt, Goretzka, Meyer, you’re done for the day,” Reus says.  “Keep him away from Havertz, I’m sure he’ll text you when he’s able to.”

Leon and Max help him back to his room and he falls onto Kai’s bed unabashed, rolling himself into the duvets that smell so strongly of his best friend he almost blacks out with worry of where Kai is and how that horrific red gash he saw looks like without the mud and ripped clothing covering it.  Leon sits down next to him and rubs between his shoulder blades, whispering soothing words that Julian can’t bring himself to listen to because his whole brain is just Kai’s name circling like a broken record.  Dimly, he thinks he can hear the faint buzz of a text message.

“He’s got a text from Sophia.” Max says eventually, while Julian fights to sit up.  “I can’t see the whole message, but it doesn’t look good.”

“Shit,” Julian says, “he’s going to be crushed.”

“God,” Leon says, with an emotion in his voice that’s very much unlike him, “god, he’s such an idiot.  He’s obsessing over this girl and when she rejects him, your first thought isn’t that you might now have a chance, it’s worrying about how this might affect him.”

“When he hears about your reaction to his injury… if he doesn’t see you in a different light after that, I’ll be fucked.” Max adds.

“This isn’t a cheesy romance novel.  He doesn’t like me, and that’s it.”

“Maybe he doesn’t yet.  But that doesn’t mean he won’t.”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Julian says, rolling over and staring at the ceiling.  He can hear Leon and Max talking quietly between themselves as he loses track of time, eyes following the shadows that cast themselves sporadically across the white expanse.  He even makes it into such a catatonic state his mind even drifts away from Kai and his injury, his mind blissfully empty until there’s the jarring noise of someone knocking on the door, and Leon’s getting up to answer.  Julian’s doesn’t know if it’s been ten minutes or two hours.

“Hey,” he says, sitting up so abruptly his head spins and black spots dot his vision.  He doesn’t properly register Kai’s condition until, “you okay?” has already passed his lips.

His best friend has his hood up over his hair, shoulders slumped as his hands rest heavily on the handles of the crutches.  His left foot is in a cast, and even from the other side of the room Julian can see Kai’s lip wobbling in the way he knows is a dangerous precursor to tears.

Max and Leon start babbling at him then, graciously accepting his monosyllabic answers as they ask him question after question.  Julian’s only half-listening, unable to tear his eyes away from the heartbroken look on Kai’s face as his beautiful green eyes transfix on the floor, but he still manages to learn that Kai’s broken his ankle and he won’t play for the team until second year, if Reus even allows him to come back.  Julian stands up then, body moving towards his best friend subconsciously as his mind works overtime considering possible things he can do to keep Kai happy, taking the crutches in one hand and assisting Kai onto the bed while hoping the younger one doesn’t notice his scent that probably lingers on the sheets.

If he does, he stays silent.

It’s suffocating.  Kai’s staring at the cast on his foot while Max, Leon and Julian pass glances at each other.  Julian’s trying to communicate a message about Sophia to Leon when Kai speaks.

“Did Sophia text me?”

The three share a pained glance.  Max, ever the bravest, places Kai’s phone on the mattress.  The youngest picks it up and opens the message, reads it with an expression that Julian couldn’t gauge if he tried.  The silence spreads out before the sound of Kai’s phone clattering against the wall shatters the façade of peace.

“Are you okay---,” Leon begins.

“Leave me alone.  I appreciate it, I just don’t want people around right now.” Kai’s voice is his defence mechanism, and Julian knows the moment he’s left alone Kai is going to scream into his pillow and _fuck_ , he’s going to need something very strong to curb his concern.  Still, he stands alongside his friends and heads towards the door, grabbing his lecture folder on the way out, until Kai calls out from behind them, “Wait!”

The three of them back up almost comically.

“Jule?” Kai says in a tiny voice, “can you stay?”

Julian ignores the _‘I told you so,’_ looks Max is shooting at him and places his folder back on the desk, cautiously placing himself on the end of Kai’s bed and waving a goodbye to Max and Leon as they leave the room in uncomfortable silence.  The pressure in the room increases tenfold when they’re left alone, because Kai is finally holding his eye contact and Julian has to berate himself because _this is not the fucking time to get lost in how annoyingly beautiful Kai Havertz is._

“She told me she isn’t interested in me and it was a one-time thing.” Kai tells him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Lit is going to be so awkward.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Julian stutters, “you can still discuss _Hamlet_ and anaphoric references with her, and it can be completely dissociated from the fact the two of you have had sex.” Julian wills himself to ignore the fact he has just chucked an ice bucket of irony over the two of them, “just treat her like you did before, or maybe she’ll see your cast and feel sympathy for you.”

“That’s not what I want though.” Kai says bluntly, voice void of emotion and in some ways that’s even worse than the imminent threat of breakdown, because Kai’s bottling his feelings like he always does, and Julian wants nothing more than for Kai to just fucking talk to him.  “I want her to date me because she wants me, not because she’s feeling sorry for me because I had to go and break my leg.”

Kai has a point.  Julian nods, dropping his gaze in embarrassment and beginning to fiddle with the corner of Kai’s duvet, the cover coming lose from the comforter and rubbing lightly against his fingers. 

“Besides,” Kai says, his voice now morphed into an attempt at begrudging acceptance, “I expected this anyway.  She’s the hottest girl I know, probably even the whole fucking first year, and all the guys and some of the girls in my Lit class hang off her every word.  I don’t even know what she’s doing here, she should be modelling in Paris or London.”

“She’s gorgeous enough,” Julian says, because he doesn’t know what to say, never has whenever Kai’s gone off on one of his little spiels about his crush.  Kai sighs and slips further down into his bedsheets.  “Hey, are you okay?”

“As okay as I can be when I’ve broken my ankle five days before the biggest game of the intramural season.”

“Sorry, that was dumb.” Julian swallows, “is there anything I can do for you?”

“I’m starving.  Do you think you could cook something?”

“Another night, yeah, but I was meant to go shopping after practice and forgot all about it because I was worry---,” _‘Idiot_ ,’ Julian thinks, “so I don’t actually have enough food.  I’ll order pizza though.  I’ll pay.  Anything else?”

“No.  Just stay here.” Kai says and well, he really shouldn’t say things like that with that adorably shy voice of his because it’s making the feelings in Julian’s heart stab and it’s probably not the best for his health.  He perches on the side of Kai’s bed, stroking Kai’s hair until his hood falls away from his eyes and Kai’s fingers knot in his t-shirt and pull him so they’re lying side-by-side in a bed that is slightly too small for two.

He’s hyperaware of Kai next to him, yet when the message comes that the pizza has arrived it’s still an incredible drag to pull himself out of his best friend’s space.  When he returns, pizza box warming his hands, he isn’t expecting how much he’s missed Kai’s smile in the short time it’s been gone.  He lies the box on his stomach, knowing Kai won’t care about any small stains on his sheets, which proves to be a mistake when Kai unconsciously traces a finger along the side of Julian’s stomach as he does battle with the pizza slices.

They’ve eaten around three quarters of it when Kai speaks through a mouthful of food.  “You must be exhausted, you’ve had three hours of sleep in the past forty-eight.”

“I am tired,” Julian admits, knowing his body is already starting to drift away.  His legs are heavy, Kai is so, so warm beside him and when Kai’s hand drops next to his, fingers brushing along the length of Julian’s, it knocks every single ounce of oxygen out of his lungs.  Kai’s blinking softly, swallowing the food with an aggression that belies the sobs starting to rise up, bottom lip beginning to tremble, so Julian discards the box onto Kai’s tiny bedside table almost comically, waiting for Kai to finish the slice before he pulls the younger one into his chest instinctively.

“It’s okay,” he whispers, “let it all out.”

“Fuck, this is so embarrassing,” Kai’s voice is choked, breathless sobs beginning to rack his body as Julian feels the painful, wet heat of the pool of tears staining his shirt.

“It’s not embarrassing at all.” Julian tells him, hand finding his hair and stroking it gently.  Kai’s only cried a handful of times since they met, and every time he goes on a whole spiel about how he’s being an idiot and wasting Julian’s time and no, he isn’t, and Julian wants him to know.  “I care about you, I think even more than you realise, and your happiness means the world to me.”  He knows he’s playing a risky game, words treading ever closer to his biggest secret, but then Kai looks up at him with a watery smile and yeah, Julian is madly in love.

“Can you keep talking?” Kai says quietly, “I love the sound of your voice.”

Kai does this, and it’s the death of Julian.  The younger one gets drunk on emotion and will say stuff about Julian that makes his heart threaten to burst right out of his chest, and then Kai will _look_ at him with a stupid, dumb smile on his face, until he’s okay again and he acts like it never happened.  Julian doesn’t know how much more he can take.

“What do you want me to talk about?”

“Anything.  Something you love.”

It could be so easy for Julian to start talking about Kai and wait for the slow look of dawning realisation, but Kai’s not in the right emotional state and Julian can’t think of anything worse than Kai hating him for taking advantage of him.  Julian would hate himself for the rest of his life.

But the moment feels right, so he says, “boys.”

It's painful, because Julian shouldn't have to be saying this.  Not after the night when Kai was all over him and grinding against him and it was nothing but pure, undiluted sex and  _how_ can Kai forget it happened?  How can he be so unaware when Julian's been thinking about him non-stop ever since? 

But one look at the expression on Kai's face and  _fuck, he can never know._

“Okay,” Kai gets out.  “Talk about boys.”

“I’ve loved boys since I was twelve years old when I realised that I’d never had a crush on a girl.  I didn’t know being gay was a thing, and then I saw these two guys in a TV show, and I just told myself I was gay.  It doesn’t change anything about me.”

“No,” Kai says weakly.

“I just don’t really go around telling people because I don’t want to be known as ‘the gay guy.’  Although, I don’t think I could challenge Leon and Max.”  Kai giggles slightly, head rested on Julian’s shoulder.  He’s sniffing slightly, but there’s the faintest trace of a smile.  “Boys are just really cute though.”

“They are.” Kai agrees. 

It takes Julian a second to place the enormity of his words.

“Wait you’re---,”

“Down for anything.  Some boys are just too lovely to resist.”  Kai looks a lot more relaxed, finally leaning away from Julian and slipping down the bed until he’s lying down, yawning.  “I’m so whacked.”

“Me too,” Julian says, suddenly exhausted as he lifts his legs out of the bed and pads over to the bathroom, taking a moment to scream inwardly into the water as he brushes his teeth.  By the time he exits, Kai’s clothes are discarded on the floor and his best friend is breathing steadily, fast asleep.

Julian’s bed is cold.  And feels far too big.

* * *

 Julian knows he should prioritise finishing his assignments during the day, but he feels guilty enough for leaving Kai alone when he’s in lectures or at training.  His best friend isn’t immobile and still manages to attend all his classes, buying Julian a few precious minutes to look over his notes for the year-ending exams that start in a month and a half, but whenever Kai comes back in and sees Julian wearing his cleats and kit, his face moulds into a downcast expression as he slumps down onto his bed.  Often, when Julian returns, sweaty and red-faced, Kai looks like he hasn’t moved an inch.

His best friend came to the game against Munich University, sitting in the third row of the bleachers, right in Julian’s eyeline, but when they get hammered 6-1 (the one only coming because Julian saw Kai’s face and told himself that he _had_ to get a goal for him), it effectively ends their chances of winning the intramural league, he almost wishes Kai didn’t come.  Reus omits him for the squad to travel to Leipzig because Julian’s got a big assignment due that he he’s written a hundred words of, and Leon and Max return with grave faces and break the news they lost 3-0.

“Recover quickly, bro,” Max says to Kai on their way out of Julian and Kai’s room after Leon has finished berating Julian for the past ten minutes about barely doing any of the set work anyway, “we’re shit without you.”

“Yeah, you are,” Kai shoots back, sounding almost like his old self. 

When Max and Leon leave, Julian makes a comment about disappointment sex to test the waters and is delighted when Kai’s face flushes red with amusement. 

“Seriously, though, when are they going to realise they’re in love with each other?”

“At this point I don’t think they will.  I think we’ll need to intervene,” Julian smirks devilishly.

“Maybe,” Kai agrees, “but only after you’ve finished that piece of homework.  I can’t let you put it off forever, even though I do love that you’re spending so much time with me.”

“I don’t want you to get lonely,” Julian says without thinking and _shit_ , Kai’s looking at him with something strange in his eyes.  “I mean, especially since you can’t play football or anything---,”

“I appreciate it,” Kai says.  It’s quiet, too quiet for the room, because it suddenly brings everything down to Kai’s volume and Julian’s not sure how to deal with the loss of control, not with Kai’s eyes caught on his.  Kai doesn’t break their gaze when he says, “go and do your work.”

Julian feels like he’s having an out of body experience when he heads over to the desk, turning off the main light and using the little lamp to begin writing his essay.  Behind him, he hears Kai climb out of bed and the rhythmic thud of his crutches, the quiet, “I’ll be back in a moment,” echoing through the room as Julian plugs his headphones in.  The content of his essay is just starting to fall into order when he’s spooked by a tap on his back and sits up to see Kai standing above him.

“Sorry to scare you,” Kai says, eyes still glazed with that weird look Julian’s not privy to, “but I just thought this might help.”

He pulls out a heat flask and places it on the desk next to Julian’s laptop, hurriedly explaining that it’s filled with highly caffeinated coffee because he wants Julian to get the essay finished as quickly as he can so he can sleep.  It’s adorable, and Kai’s blushing slightly, and Julian feels the churning sensation in his stomach he gets whenever Kai does something small and thoughtful for him.  The feeling of complete agony that is falling even deeper in love with someone he knows he can’t have. 

“Thank you,” he says.  “Go and sleep.  I’ll go to bed soon, I promise.”

“Good,” Kai says, dropping his crutches and hopping over to the bathroom.  Julian turns back to his laptop screen, laying the points out in the structured manner Schweinsteiger likes so much until the main light flicks off and he whispers a goodnight to Kai almost instinctively. 

He hopes the little lamp isn’t rendering sleep impossible for Kai, so when he gets up to use the bathroom he tiptoes over to the side of Kai’s bed and checks on him.  The younger one is fast asleep, hands holding the pillow his cheek is pressed against, looking so adorable Julian places a kiss on his forehead before thinking that it might disturb Kai and he stands there, frozen to the spot with terror, for a good two minutes before he’s sure that Kai hasn’t woken up.

When he gets back, the fatigue begins to hit him, so he downs half the coffee and thanks God that he has a roommate that has the forethought he doesn’t.  The essay begins to get harder, the complexities harder to untangle when he feels his eyelids drooping.  He knows it’s his own fault for procrastinating, Leon told him as such, but when he tells himself he’s only putting himself through this because Kai needed his company, the thought jerks him awake enough to carry on with the work.

At one in the morning, the room feels stifling.  He strips down to his underwear, reasoning that Kai has seen him in less and he’ll work better if he’s comfortable.

He submerges himself into a trance of work, continuous, monotonous typing and thanking whoever came up with the existence of spellcheck.  The hours tick by when he tries to keep his mind off Kai, which fails when it hits three in the morning and suddenly Julian is horny as fuck.  He hasn’t had sex since Kai gave him a blowjob almost two weeks ago, and the feeling of Kai’s lips on his cock is starting to fade from his memory.

As if he’s cursed, the main light flicks on when his dick is achingly hard.  He pulls his headphones off (his Spotify has gone down to the songs from his music taste three years ago) and tucks his chair under the desk to conceal his erection as he turns to Kai.

“What time is it?” Kai says, rubbing at his eyes with a sleep-thick voice and _fuck_ , that doesn’t help Julian’s state. 

“Quarter past three.”

“How much have you got left?” Kai yawns, hobbling awkwardly towards the bathroom before he’s even finished speaking, back turned to Julian.

Julian answers to the closed bathroom door.  He’s only got a thousand words left, but he’s practically sparse of any information about anatomy he hasn’t already used – and he’s skimmed through all the presentations and every single note he’s taken three times already.  Kai mumbles something that sounds like sympathy from where the light is flooding in through the door.  Julian turns back to his books.

He finds something scribbled in the bottom corner from his notes from a lecture three weeks ago that he manages to spin into two hundred words, but Kai still isn’t out of the bathroom. 

“Kai?” He yells in a tone definitely too loud for the middle of the night, “everything okay?”

“Y-Yeah!” Kai says back, before grunting slightly and saying, much louder, “everything’s fine!”

Julian tries to ignore the glisten of sweat on Kai’s forehead when his best friend re-enters the room, because the heat is also causing Kai’s eyes to glaze over and fuck, Julian hopes to high heaven Kai doesn’t look down because if he does, he’s going to see how hard Julian is, and that would be it for their friendship.  Kai’s cheeks are tinted pink as he stumbles back into bed, slurring another goodnight and switching the light off – leaving Julian with an unfinished essay, a painfully hard cock and goose-bumps rippling over his skin.

It’s almost five in the morning when he finally finishes, blindly submitting the essay online and collapsing into bed, blindly stabbing at his alarm to wake him up at eight before falling asleep almost the second his head hits the pillow.

The feeling of being pressed passionately against a door almost resonates through him as his cock gets harder.  Kai’s eyes look up at him, dangerously green in the dark light as the younger’s pulls his body flush against Julian’s.  He feels Kai coil his fingers in his hair, sharply inhaling when Kai’s hot breath glosses over his skin as the younger nibbles over his bottom lip. 

“You’re gorgeous,” Kai says, choked off.  “I have a list of things I want to do to you.  I want you tied up and sweaty.  I want to make you almost come and then leave you to go to training and be the only one knowing what you’re going through as you try to keep yourself from getting hard again.  I want to draw it out and I want it quick and rough.”

Kai says the last words over Julian’s lips, pressing his mouth against the older one’s and this isn’t how it should be, Julian should be dominating, but then Kai flicks his tongue into Julian’s mouth and _fuck_ , Julian is so weak.  His heart is doing things it shouldn’t be doing for his roommate, his best friend, but it’s done that every time Kai has smiled at him since about five minutes after they met.  He should be used to it.  He never will be.

“Kai,” he says, forcing Kai’s lips off of his, voice catching on his best friend’s name.  “Kai, I can’t take this.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

That’s it, that’s the catalyst for Julian’s thoughts to connect and he flips Kai around, his turn to pin the slightly-taller one against the door, and even with the slight blur in his eyes, Kai is smirking at him and yeah, Kai is such a little shit.

“If you fucking dare, Havertz,” Julian growls.  “I don’t know what I’ll do to you.”

“Interesting,” Kai says, breaking free of Julian’s grasp nonchalantly and walking further into their room.  Julian barely has time to register the horrible feeling of his heart dropping watching Kai, but then his best friend stops, turns his head and locks eyes with Julian.  With the fucking cheekiest raise of the eyebrow and a voice so teasing Julian doesn’t think he could hold himself back if he tried, Kai says, “are you coming?”

Within two steps, Julian’s back on him, tangling their feet together and almost falling onto Kai’s bed in their haste to get at each other.  Kai fiddles with the buttons of Julian’s shirt, flicking his eyes up to glance at Julian every few seconds and it’s _murderous_ , Kai’s barely touched him, and Julian feels like he’s falling apart already.  He takes a second to recompose himself when Kai finally allows his shirt to drop away, shivering involuntarily at the synchronicity of the mixture of cold night air and heat emanating from Kai hitting his naked skin.  He nods at Kai, who already has the silent question on his lips, and slowly unzips Kai’s hoodie, fingers almost scratching at Kai’s beautiful, tan skin when he rushes to get Kai’s black t-shirt over his head.

He undoes his own belt because his hands are shaking so hard.  It’s a bit of a fumble, and he has to curse Kai under his breath when the younger makes a teasing comment, but the satisfaction he gets when he pulls down his jeans and boxers in one movement and causes Kai to shut up completely is _so, so worth it._

“Like what you see?” Julian says with a shrug before walking past Kai to sit on the side of the bed.  His best friend is stood staring at the spot where Julian was moment before, struck dumb, and Julian sees the exact moment Kai’s brain catches up with the situation.

Strangely, the thought doesn’t scare him at all.  It can’t, not when Kai is rounding the bed and straddling his legs over Julian’s lap, jeans be damned, tilting his face up to kiss him.

“I do,” Kai says by way of an answer, “more than you could ever know.”

“I’d like to find out.” Julian replies, not knowing where this sudden bravery came from.  From the looks of it, Kai doesn’t either.  They’re both drunk out of their minds, and Julian can taste the faint traces of weed in Kai’s mouth when Kai leans down to kiss him senseless, and the only clear thought he can form is _‘I hope to God we both remember this, and he doesn’t hate me for it.’_

“Let me show you then, Brandt.” Kai says huskily, before climbing off Julian’s lap and fondling at the button of his jeans.  He goes so slowly Julian leans clumsily forward to assist him because he’s not sure he can wait any damn longer, but Kai steps easily away, chuckling and whispering something about patience with a look on his face Julian hates (loves).

When Kai finishes his fucking striptease, it hits Julian that he was not prepared for this at all.  He’s had too many nights where he’s been exiled from the room and had to spend the night in Leon’s bed (causing Leon and Max to share, a situation both of them always complained a bit too overdramatically about), barely sleeping when thoughts of what Kai would be doing trickle into his mind and seething, helpless jealousy poisons his mind.  But now he’s here, it’s _him_ Kai is doing this for, it’s him who’s getting to see the fucking beauty that is Kai Havertz and god, he’s never hated the people Kai has slept with before him more than in that moment right there.

He feels himself fall backwards until he is lying horizontally across a bed that is definitely not designed for that, he realises when Kai lies down next to him.  He’s so warm, and so much, and so _beautiful_ , and Julian wants this all the time.

It’s the one downside, the not knowing whether this is once or the beginning of forever.

He tries to shove the thought out of his mind when Kai attaches his lips to his neck and trails downwards, kissing across Julian’s collarbone and when Julian shudders, Kai fucking smirks into the kiss and it’s the best sensation Julian has ever felt.  He regains dominance when he trails a hand down onto the small of Kai’s back, feeling over the muscles, before his hand glances over Kai’s ass. 

Julian briefly thinks he’s never been so hard in his life, and he’s fucking drunk.

Kai slings a leg over Julian’s, pulling himself over the older man and pressing a tiny kiss to Julian’s lips as their hips line up and _fuck_ , there’s that delicious friction when Kai pushes his hips down and Julian pushes his up as their cocks line up and slide together.  The tip of Julian’s dick is already wet with pre-come and it hurts how much that adds to the feeling and Julian can see it all over Kai’s face and _that hurts even more._

His hand falls between them and wraps around the tip of Kai’s dick, gasping slightly at the way his thumb slides due to the dripping pre-come.  He runs a thumb across the slit, revelling in the sharp intakes of breath his best friend is letting out as he strokes his fingertips along the length of Kai’s cock.  He doesn’t think Kai could ever truly grasp how beautiful he is like this.

“God, Jule,” Kai grunts out, eyes dropping away from Julian’s face like he’s embarrassed and it’s amazing.  Kai’s always impossible to read and now Julian’s finally got him alone and open and he’s gorgeous, he just really fucking _is,_ there isn’t words to really describe him and Julian tells that thought to the soft skin of Kai’s neck.

He works himself into a rhythm of kissing Kai’s neck as he works up and down, Kai’s pre-come creating a slide that Julian knows he will spend forever thinking about as he relishes the sound of Kai’s breathing becoming choppy with the desperate, airless words his best friend is trying to force out and into the space between them.

He knows this isn’t what best friends do.  He knows, really, that this is a mistake, that they’re just drunk and horny and an easy fix for each other.  But then Kai lets out another moan as his nails scratch at Julian’s back and all coherent thought goes out of the window.

Kai’s eyes fly open and his face contorts and it’s beautiful as his hips stutter into Julian’s hand as he comes over Julian’s stomach with Julian’s name on his lips.

They lie there for a moment, breathing in tandem as Julian can see Kai trying to process what the fuck just happened, before the younger one’s painfully green eyes flicker up to him.

“Are you okay?” Julian says.  His voice is so hoarse.

“Yeah,” Kai says, leaning up to place a peck on Julian’s lips that morphs into a much longer kiss because the taste of Kai is addicting and Julian wants more than he knows he could ever have, more than Kai would ever be willing to give him, which is ridiculous to think about when sweat is messing up Kai’s hair, he’s smelling of sex and there’s a pool of his come on Julian’s abs that he’s wiping off incredibly slowly.

Kai chucks the tissue in the general direction of the bin, flipping Julian off when the older one laughs at his lame shot, before shutting Julian up with a kiss that turns heated and Julian can feel his dominance slipping. His eyes fall shut and he moans, so distracted by sensation he doesn’t notice Kai sliding down until the cold air fizzles against his blistering skin and when he forces his eyes open, he can’t stop the involuntary moan that slips out at the sight of Kai between his legs.

“You don’t know what you do to me,” he says.  It’s probably cringeworthy, but Kai just smiles and bites at the sensitive skin of Julian’s inner thigh and Julian couldn’t care less about the noises he’s making because Kai needs to know that he’s setting Julian on fire.

For all his teasing, Kai doesn’t hesitate before taking Julian’s dick in his mouth.  His tongue licks over the vein and in his hazy state, Julian thinks he can see Kai stroking his own dick and _fuck_ , he can’t be hard again already and it’s the hottest thing Julian has ever seen knowing he caused that.

Then, Kai starts to flick over his shaft and all his thoughts turn to shit.  His hips thrust into Kai’s mouth instinctively and _shit_ , he’s fucking Kai’s mouth and even watching Kai on his knees as Julian moves in and out is enough material for him to touch himself over in the shower for at least a month, never mind the hot, wet, gorgeous feeling.

“Kai,” he says and immediately regrets it, because his best friend shoots him a quizzical look while deepthroating his cock and Julian almost comes right there.  “N-Never mind.”

He can’t help himself from moaning Kai’s name as he thrusts into Kai’s mouth, before he’s startled awake by the buzz of an alarm clock and a slightly red-faced Kai already out of bed (which is weird, Julian can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times Kai’s been awake before him) and standing there topless.  And _shit,_ if that doesn’t help Julian’s situation of the hardest erection he’s ever woken up to in his life and the horrible, uncomfortable feeling of pre-come staining the inside of his boxers.  The dread that courses through his veins when Kai squeaks out a good morning and vanishes into the bathroom and it hits Julian that he was dreaming about _that night_ is horrible, and he climbs out of bed and strips off his boxers, hiding the incriminating evidence at the bottom of his laundry pile, too humiliated to bring himself to care about the fact that if Kai walked back into the room at that exact second he’s be greeted by an eyeful of Julian’s ass.

He’s half-dressed when Kai comes back into the bedroom, looking a lot calmer (and wearing a shirt), but there’s still something accusatory behind his eyes that causes Julian to want the ground to open up and swallow him.  Jannis always used to tease him about the fact he’d talk in his sleep, but Kai had never mentioned anything, so he thought he’d been okay.  But judging by the look on Kai’s face, his best friend has definitely heard something Julian didn’t want him to.

“When’s your lecture?” He says, purely because he wants Kai to stop fucking staring at him like that.

“We have a lecture together.” Kai says.  “Schweinsteiger and Podolski can’t stay apart.”

“I thought you had Götze today? For literature?”

“No, it’s music.”

“But what about that paper about _Hamlet_ you were writing yesterday?”

“That’s because some of us actually manage to get our work done on time.” Julian flips him off and immediately regrets it because it causes the memory of his dream to resonate in his mind.  “Besides, it’s not like I have much else to do.  It’s weird though, Podolski’s really strict about attendance, but then he goes and combines our lecture with the sports class. I don’t know what the fuck’s going to happen, other than I finally get to see what you and Leon get up to.”

“We just gossip about,” Julian swallows awkwardly, “Max.”

“Speaking of Max, he's going to be livid when he finds out the three of us are sharing a lecture together.  Anyway, hurry the fuck up and get dressed because class starts in twenty minutes.” His best friend collapses onto his bed, pulling out his phone while Julian rifles around in his wardrobe for something to wear.  Once he’s dressed, he turns on the tiny kettle and pours Kai a mug of coffee.

“Are you not having one?”

“I’d rather not die of a caffeine overdose.  Although I might need Leon to supply me if I start having withdrawal symptoms halfway through Schweinsteiger’s presentation.”

Kai laughs, “what time did you finish your essay?”

“Five.  I’m running on adrenaline.”

“Life of a uni student,” Kai remarks, downing his coffee at an alarming rate and placing the mug on the side of Julian’s desk, “let’s go and get good seats.  I want to watch the interactions between Schweinsteiger and Podolski.”

Julian holds the door for him, trying to stop his heart from squeezing when Kai smiles softly at him as his skin prickles under the collar of his shirt.  He can’t rid the feeling of unease all the way to the lecture theatre, nodding at appropriate points through the extremely one-sided conversation Kai is having with him, before his eyes fall on Leon already claiming their favourite seats high up in the room with an uncharacteristically bright smile on his face.  Julian would almost be distracted until he realises Kai is struggling with the steep staircase, so without thinking he sweeps Kai off his feet and carries him to Leon, ignoring the weird looks his classmates (and the musical nerds he presumes must be Kai’s classmates) throw at him.  He helps the protesting, blushing Kai into the seat next to Leon (who is laughing obnoxiously at them, seriously, Leon is _never_ this loud at a morning class) before flopping down on Kai’s other side.

“What is it?” Kai says, because Leon looks like he’s about to burst out of his skin with excitement.

“Nothing.” Leon smiles.  It’s perhaps the least convincing lie Julian has ever heard him tell.

“Sure.” Kai rolls his eyes, turning to the front and staring purposefully at the blank screen.  It’s perfect, because Leon can never keep quiet for long and Julian pinpoints the exact moment when their friend relents.

“Max and I kissed last night.” He blurts out.

“I wish there were words to express how unsurprised I am,” Kai deadpans, throwing a wink at Julian, “but seriously, bro, I’m happy for the pair of you.”

“Me too,” Julian adds, “but are you sure the two of you _just_ kissed?”

Leon blushes scarlet and Kai laughs, loud enough for two girls Julian doesn’t recognise sitting a couple of rows in front of them to turn and throw them murderous gazes.  Kai waves them off with a named apology, and Julian’s sure he sees one of them melt right before his eyes when his best friend says her name.

The magnitude of the reminder that Kai has more admirers across campus than Julian is aware of is not lost on him at all.  He spends the rest of the time waiting for the two lectures lost in his own thoughts, Leon and Kai’s chatter about whatever the hell Leon and Max got up to the night before dissipating into background noise.  He’s so entranced the roar that spikes when the teachers enter (definitely almost entirely formed from Julian and Leon’s classmates) jerks him back to reality so dramatically Kai starts laughing gently from beside him.

“Shut up,” he says under his breath as Schweinsteiger greets the students, “I carried your ass the whole way up here.”

Kai doesn’t respond and when Julian throws him a glance, he’s surprised to see that Kai’s blushing again, tan skin turned pink with his green eyes trained on Podolski, who is explaining how this joint-lecture is going to work (which, by the sounds of it, the whole plan is that it won’t).

Julian opens a notepad, but by the time the lecture’s ended, he’s written about three things that could be of any academic note and spent the rest of the time jotting down things one of Schweinsteiger or Podolski has said that has caused the other one to blush, stutter, or throw them a death glare.  Kai and Leon are in tears next to him, Leon clinging onto the material of Kai’s shirt as they howl at something Schweinsteiger has said.  The lecture’s a complete mess, and Julian’s about to snap at it some of the music students complaining loudly about the utter lack of productivity to get a sense of humour, before Podolski provides them with the biggest evisceration of the morning that causes Leon to fall off his chair with a thump in laughter.

Schweinsteiger bounds up the stairs towards them once Podolski has dismissed the class after two hours of incomprehensible talking, making a beeline for Julian that immediately fills him with panic.  His mind casts back to writing the essay the night before while trying not to think of Kai sucking his dick, and _shit_ , what if he’s written his daydreams about himself fucking Kai in his essay subconsciously?  He’d never, ever live that down.

“Nice to meet you,” Schweinsteiger says, and it takes Julian a moment to place that their lecturer isn’t talking to him, instead proffering a hand to Kai for him to shake.  “I’ve seen you with Julian and Leon around campus quite a few times.  Kai Havertz, right?”

“Yeah,” Kai says.  Julian can hear the shyness in his voice, the same shyness Kai had when he sat down on the edge of Julian’s bed that first day and offered his hand. 

“I’ve heard a lot about you from Lukas,” Schweinsteiger continues, oblivious to Kai’s nerves.  “You’ve probably realised by now that he doesn’t give a lot of praise, so I thought I’d come up here and tell you that Lukas waxes lyrical about your piano ability.  Don’t tell anyone I said this, but he once said you might be the best pianist, he’s seen in his sixteen years of teaching here.”

Kai blushes furiously and Julian couldn’t put the way his heart leaps in his chest with pride into words, even if he was challenged with a gun to his head.  He vaguely hears his best friend stutter out a thank you and Schweinsteiger mentioning something about performing a solo in the year-ending concert after exams, but only tunes back into the conversation when he hears the uncertainty in Kai’s voice.

“Um, I don’t know if I could do that.”

“You don’t have to decide right this moment.  Just let Lukas know once you’ve made your mind up either way.  Also, it’s nice to finally meet the person Leon and Julian are always talking about.” Schweinsteiger grins and with that, he’s gone, leaving the three of them in an empty auditorium and Julian with a heart beating so fast he’s thanking God that Kai and Leon are taking mercy on him and not mentioning it.

“Do you need help getting down the stairs?” He says instead, picking up Kai’s crutches from where they have fallen during the course of the lecture.  Kai nods shyly, looking up at Julian through his lashes with that unreadable expression as Julian carries him bridal style down to the bottom of the theatre.

“Thank you,” Kai whispers as Leon reaches them, handing Kai his crutches and holding the door open for the two of them.  Leon and Julian fall into easy conversation about Schweinsteiger and Podolski, theorising that the way Schweinsteiger’s face lit up when he said the word, “Lukas,” is enough evidence of their relationship, but Kai is weirdly quiet even once Leon has said he’s heading back to his room to hang out with Max.

“They’re going to be doing a lot more than hanging out.” Julian quips, hating the way Kai barely cracks a smile.  The silence turns awkward as he fumbles with the lock of the halls and then again as they wait for the elevator to take them up to the third floor.  They pass Sophia on the way back to their room, who tries to stop and speak to Kai, but his best friend brushes past her unwaveringly, not sparing her a second glance as he waits for Julian to unlock the door to their room.

Kai flops face-first onto his pillow and doesn’t move.  Reus has cancelled the practice scheduled for four in the afternoon (and there’s a rumour on the grapevine that it’s Götze’s birthday), so Julian doesn’t have anywhere he needs to be.  There’s an incomplete essay sitting on his desk next to Kai’s discarded coffee mug from earlier.  The sound of the running water echoes around the room when Julian washes the mugs and places them on the shelf, throwing concerned glances to an oblivious Kai.

“Do you want to talk?” He says softly but it still sounds so out of place in the silence.

Kai doesn’t respond.  Julian sits on the edge of the mattress and places a hand on Kai’s forearm, trying not to shudder at the chill of Kai’s skin.  His best friend doesn’t even flinch at the contact.  He knows Kai doesn’t like to be pushed.  But how can he help himself when his heart’s leaping out of his chest whenever Kai smiles at him?

He thought he’d been in love before, but then he met Kai who’s changed everything Julian has ever known, and he has no idea.

He sits there for he doesn’t know how long, unable to tear his eyes from Kai until the younger one’s breathing steadies and he’s asleep.  Julian stays there, knowing that if Max and Leon burst through the door right that second, they’d mock him for looking like a lovesick idiot for the rest of his life.  The thought is enough to pull him over to his desk and begin to stare blindly as the words at the top of the question sheet blur together illegibly.

It feels monotonous, robotic as he pulls his folder out of his backpack and finds the appropriate notes from class.  He turns on his laptop and begins collating Schweinsteiger’s online presentations and some of the recommended sources for referencing like he always does, but when he opens Word, the white pages glow back at him.  He thinks he can see Kai’s reflection in the laptop screen and yeah, he’s going crazy.

He forces himself to concentrate, but he loses the will to work after two hundred words.  Leon drops by around two and it’s so telling when Julian’s first response is to check the sound doesn’t disturb Kai, but the younger one doesn’t even breathe any louder.  He leaves Kai alone and hangs out with his two other best friends, kicking a ball around the field outside Julian’s apartment block for a couple of hours and he can see Max biting his lip to keep from saying something every time Julian’s eyes trail up to the window of his and Kai’s bedroom.  He feels awful when he heads back to Max and Leon’s to cook and eat without even checking on his best friend, but Leon reassures him that Kai probably just wants to be left alone.  The three of them are attempting to make spaghetti bolognaise, but Max and Leon are all over each other and it’d be disgustingly domestic if it wasn’t for the fact Julian’s next to them, souring the mood as he tries not to think of Kai and thinking of nothing else.

“What’s Havertz said to get you all gloomy?” Max says when the three of them finally sit down to their food.  There’s a container of leftovers for Kai next to him, and he fiddles with the lid under the intense stare of both Max and Leon.

“Nothing.  That’s the problem.” He says, blowing on a piece of pasta.  “He was fine this morning, but then we got back to our room and he went to bed and hasn’t moved since.”

“Did something happen between you two?  Did someone mention that night the other week?”

“I think so,” Julian swallows, “I think I did.”

“What do you mean you _think_ you did?”

“I dreamt about it last night.” Julian blushes, “I was up really late writing an essay and about three in the morning he woke up and looked like a deer in headlights while I was sitting there in just my underwear.  He went into the bathroom and didn’t come out for like ten minutes and I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about what he might’ve been doing in there, so I went to bed horny and the next thing I knew, I could feel him shoving me against the door of our room like he did that night.  It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the fact my brother has always teased me about talking in my sleep, and I was moaning his name in the dream.”

“Your brother’s name or Kai’s name?” Max deadpans, and Leon punches him before Julian gets the chance to, gaze turning sympathetic when his eyes meet Julian’s.

“So, you think he heard you moaning his name?”

“Yeah.  I think he hates me.  He’d be well in his right to.  It’s just my fucking luck,” Julian groans, “the day I’m finally able to put a label on what I feel for him, he realises something that makes him hate my guts.  I need to go and ask the housing officer to switch rooms.”

Leon, ever the voice of reason, puts a hand on his to force him to sit down again.  “Calm down, Julian.  He’s probably just overwhelmed.”

Max nods, “He’s been through a lot recently.  He fucked the girl he’s had a crush on since we started here the night after he fucked you.  Whether or not he remembers having sex with you isn’t really important, because if he doesn’t, he probably feels like there’s something he’s missing that no one else is telling him, and then he goes and breaks his leg less than a week before the biggest game of our season.  Now, his best friend, that he may or may not have feelings for, is having sex dreams and moaning his name.  He’s bound to be feeling confused as hell.”

Leon says something about Max’s comments being the most empathetic thing he’s ever said, but all Julian can focus on is the ‘ _his best friend, who he may or may not have feelings for’_ racing around his head.

“What?” He blurts out when something in his brain connects.  He feels like he’s been shoved underwater and suddenly even breathing is harder, because _what if Max isn’t lying?  What if Kai really feels things for him too?_

“He finally realised what it means, huh?” Max says.  “He told me yesterday.”

“Say it, Max,” Julian breathes, “I want to hear you say it.”

“No,” Max shakes his head, but the glint in his eyes is joyous and he’s not even looking at Leon as he says it.  Leon, who is smiling knowingly even while he pulls Max into his chest, and Julian doesn’t know what to do.  He feels like his entire world has been flipped upside down.  “I think it’s best if you hear it from him, in his own words.”

He wolfs down the rest of his spaghetti, clasping the container of Kai’s portion to his chest and stumbling to the door.  It’s when he places his hand on the doorknob does he realise he doesn’t know what the fuck to do when he gets back to his room.

“Help,” he says, turning around and walking over to Leon, grabbing his arms like a crazy person.  “What do I do?  How do I tell him?  How did you two work it out?”

“Hey,” Leon says, “breathe.  You know he feels the same way, there’s not much you can do to fuck this up drastically.”

“Besides, you and Kai are different from Leon and me.  Don’t try and be another us.  Be who the two of you are.” Max adds, and Julian knows he is going to mock the hell out of the pair of them if Kai and he end up together (the thought makes his heart beat wildly) for sounding like wannabe love-advice gurus, but right now he can’t be anything but grateful for their existence.

“Go and get him.  We’ll save dropping by until lunchtime tomorrow if you haven’t surfaced before.” Leon says, laughing as Julian flips him off.

He stops by the door handle again because they're fantastic and he wants them to  _know._

“Seriously,” he says, “thank you.”

They answer him with smiles.

* * *

Nothing feels different or special as he walks along the path past the lake towards his and Kai’s flat.  For all he knows, Kai could have gone out while he was with Leon and Max and so second guessing his best friend’s every intention is a waste of time and energy.  Still, that doesn’t stop himself from noticing how his hand shakes as he opens the door to their room.

“Kai?” He says as he pushes through into the main room.  Kai is still on the bed, but he’s awake now, green eyes flicking rhythmically as he scrolls through something on his phone.  “I brought you dinner.”

“Thanks. I’m not hungry though.”

“I’ll leave it on the side so you can eat it.  If you want,” Julian says awkwardly, going over to his bed and plugging his phone on to charge.  Kai’s back is to him as he goes over to his desk, unsure how the breach the boundary his best friend has placed between them.

He plays along with Kai as he writes another fifty words of his assignment to place Kai under the guise that he’s given up and began studying, but really, it’s to buy him time to think about what the fuck he wants to say.

“Can you at least tell me what’s wrong?” He keeps his eyes on his work because he knows if he looks at Kai, he’s liable to fall apart completely and no, he can’t, not now.

“It’s just my injury.  It’s getting me down when you have to help me do things, like this morning when you had to carry me up the stairs in the lecture theatre.  Everyone was looking at me and their faces are so full of sympathy and I hate it.  I just want this fucking cast off.”

“I don’t mind helping you--,”

“I know you don’t.  You’re a fantastic best friend,” there’s a silent beat, “I just hate how my life has mapped out recently.”

“It’ll get better.  I’ll stay until it does.”

“I’d prefer it if you stayed for longer than that.”

Julian’s eyes widen and suddenly, not looking at Kai is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.  His brain is working overtime to process the enormity of what Kai just said and his silence is only making Kai’s words grow so big he can’t breathe when its magnitude is occupying his space.

“I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

“Thank you.”

The conversation is over, the only noise in the room the sound of Julian’s fingers tapping on the keyboard.  His work is probably nonsensical, another assignment for Schweinsteiger to have a good laugh at when he reads through it, but how can he focus when there’s everything left unsaid between him and Kai and he doesn’t know how to conjure up the topic.

“Don’t you think you work too hard?” Kai asks.

“Says the person who was mocking me for having incomplete assignments just this morning.” Julian shoots back, but the weight of the moment means it comes out all wrong and he just knows Kai’s face is crumpling, being the overly-sensitive fucker he is.

“You’ve spent time looking after me instead.  All the rest of the time, you’re working.”

“Yeah, well.  I enjoy looking after you.”

“I enjoy spending time with you.”

It’s like Kai fucking knows what’s racing through Julian’s mind and the thought makes his resolve break as he turns to look at Kai.  But when he does, Kai is looking back at him, green eyes soft with something similar to fondness as he smiles gently at Julian.  And oh, he’s beautiful, he’s always beautiful, whether he’s drunk and sweaty wearing nice shirts in a nightclub, or muddy on the training field, or now, in sloppy clothes and bed hair and a broken ankle and Julian is _in love._

It slips out without him thinking.  It’s perfect.  It’s awful.  It’s them.

“I fell in love with you.  I don’t know how, or when, or why.  I just did.”

His gaze drops away from the slowly-spreading smile on Kai’s face because no matter how beautiful Kai is, he’s embarrassed at his own words.  While he fixes his gaze on the faintest red wine stain on the carpet (which doesn’t help, because it reminds him of the night he was drunk and staying up all night to keep Kai company while he wrote an essay), he hears the squeak of bedsprings and then soft, soft footsteps coming ever closer.  He closes his eyes because everything’s too much when he can feel Kai enter his space and he knows if he dares look, he will probably die.

Kai places a finger on his chin and _shit,_ he’s completely fucked.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes since I’ve been here,” Kai begins.  “Firstly, it wasn’t offering you the choice of bed, and then there was doing shots of vodka with Leon and Max after the first training session when I had class the next morning,” Julian laughs despite himself, because he remembers that night and the way Kai clung to him as he half-carried him home. “Obviously, there were a lot of others as well, but I don’t really want to go into those because god knows I’ll just go off on a tangent and forget the true moral of my story.  And judging by what you just told me, I don’t think I’ll be the only one kicking myself if I don’t tell you the moral of my story.”

Julian can’t speak.  He doesn’t think he can even breathe.  His eyes, however, flicker open of their own accord and Kai’s standing there, smiling almost shyly down at him as his fingers find their way into Julian’s hair.  It’s comforting yet ridiculously painful because Julian wants nothing more than to kiss him.

“But I think my biggest mistake of all was the other weekend.”

“What do you mean?” He can scarcely recognise his voice as his own.

“I don’t know if you thought I forgot, but I do remember the night we had sex.  I was going to talk to you about it, I was thinking about the whole time because you looked so beautiful I didn’t know what to do with myself, but then by the time I woke up the next morning you were already awake and were dressed and sitting on your own bed scrolling through Instagram acting like the night before never happened.  I won’t lie, it’s the closest I’ve ever been to heartbreak.” Kai laughs bitterly and Julian suddenly feels like shit because it’s true, he just assumed Kai didn’t remember and never made any attempt to talk to him about it.  He opens his mouth to speak, but Kai cuts him off, “don’t apologise, Jule.  It’s happened now.”

“Okay.” He gets out, because he has to say _something._ Anything.  Kai’s still looking at him like that and it’s doing things to him.

“My biggest mistake was not talking to you about it, but then going and fucking Sophia the next night.  You’d be forgiven for thinking I didn’t remember.” Kai laughs softly.  “I kept trying to think of a way to get you to talk to me about it, but I couldn’t think of anything.  I tend to struggle to think when you’re around.”

“You’re not the only one.” Julian says, saving the feeble document he knows he isn’t going to do any more work on that night.

“Charmer,” Kai blushes. “Shh, don’t say anything.”

Julian giggles and he can see the effect set itself on Kai’s face.  It’s delightful.  Julian wants it all the time.

“I think you guessed what I was doing last night.” Kai’s cheeks darken until they’re almost scarlet.  “I hope you didn’t think it was weird.”

“Definitely not,” Julian says, finally feeling like he’s got some of his breath back.  He coaxes Kai’s ear to his lips, “I’ll let you into a little secret; it turned me on a lot.”

“I couldn’t help it,” Kai mumbles, “you were sitting in your underwear!”

“You’ll see me in a lot less later,” Julian smirks, dodging the slap Kai aims at his cheek instinctively.

“Don’t fucking tease me when you were the one moaning my name in your sleep last night.” Kai rebuts him and well, Julian doesn’t have any answer for that.  “I’ve spent the entire day trying not to tear your clothes off.”

“Didn’t seem like it.  You fell on your bed and didn’t move for four hours.”

“I’ll have you know I did move.” Kai laughs, sitting with his legs akimbo across Julian’s thighs.  He’s so close, Julian _could_ just lean in and kiss him.  The thought is incredibly tempting.  “But yeah, I couldn’t help myself from daydreaming about it.”

“What did your daydreams entail?”

“I could ask you the same question about your dream last night.”

“Fucker,” Julian flips him off, but Kai’s smile is gentle and yeah, they’re racing headlong towards something Julian couldn’t put a name on if he tried, and from the look on Kai’s face, he assumes the younger one couldn’t either.

“Did I ever tell you you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met in my life?” Kai stumbles out, “and that the first time I stumbled into this room I took one look at you and I’m pretty sure I fell a little bit in love with you right there and then.”

“Before I’d even greeted you?  I could’ve been an axe murderer.  Or a psychopath.”

“You were smiling at me, Jule.  Plus, I’d take you being an axe murderer or a psychopath if it meant I could have you.”

The space between them falls silent.  Julian isn’t embarrassed when his gaze drops to Kai’s lips.

“Hey Kai?” He whispers.

“Mmm?”

“I like it when you talk,” he says, smiling to himself at the reference, “talk about something you love.  Something that makes you happy.”

“Well, there isn’t much when my days are filled with work from my double major.  Especially not right now, when I can’t even play football because I’ve broken my fucking ankle,” Kai replies, with a voice somehow quieter than Julian’s.  “But there is something.”

“Something?”

“More like someone.”

“Who?”

“Well,” Kai says, “he’s someone that I fell in love with the moment I put my eyes on him.  He’s blonde, an inch shorter than me although I swear the height difference is more than that, studies sports, has assisted me on the pitch more times than I can count, and he’s also the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.  I thought it was Sophia, but I can’t express how wrong I was.  I’ve made so many mistakes when it comes to him, but really, I’m just an idiot who’s madly in love.”

It’s painfully cheesy and Julian mentally plans all the jokes about how lame Kai’s words were for a Literature major he’ll say later when he’s got Kai in his arms and the lights are off.  It’s _almost_ worse than Julian’s confession.

“I know the feeling.”

Leaning in to kiss Kai is so easy, the soft slide of Kai’s lips against his perfect when he considers they’re not drunk and how he knows he will be able to do this whenever he likes from now on.  Kai’s hand comes up and rests on the crook of Julian’s shoulder as he tilts his head to kiss Julian further, before he pulls away and presses his forehead against Julian’s.

“I lied earlier,” Kai says, and Julian just about has time to begin panicking before he registers Kai’s rumbling stomach, “I’m actually starving.”

“Cunt,” Julian says, pressing a quick kiss to Kai’s lips, “you had me worried.  Food’s on the desk.  And no, don’t look at me like that, because no matter how much I love you, you are not eating in my bed.”

“Can I eat _you_ in your bed though?”

“Shut up.” Julian laughs, feeling his face burn.  “You’re the worst.”

“You’ve changed your tune.”

“Time to convince me to change it back,” Julian says with a laugh, drawing Kai back across the room for another kiss.  When they pull away, Kai whispers,

“I think I’ve got a few ideas of how I could do that, Jule.”

**Author's Note:**

> • I have no clue what that ending was, sorry.


End file.
